say it ain't so, i will not go

i wish that once you met someone new, every other guy in your past would just fade away and disappear so that nothing would hold back the potential for love. in my life, it never works out like this. i realized that i have trouble letting go of the past. maybe that's why guys and girls shouldn't stay friends after the relationship ends.

i also realized i have trouble figuring out which guy i really like and which guy i am just friends with and which guy i am just sexually attracted to. i like guys. i like a lot of guys, but i don't love any. i don't feel love at first sight, i don't feel an absolute desire for anyone. i don't find myself thinking about any special "him" all day long. time? is that why i am so impatient? these things usually do come with time, but i just want to look at him and know. i want to know that he is what i want more than anything or anyone. i want love and i want it now, but if it came i might be too afraid to stand by it instead of running away.

i don't want to be afraid to love anymore. tragic.

somewhere in her smile she knows

i am still making my way through Pattie Boyd's book Wonderful Tonight and yearn to have lived in London during the 1960s and 1970s more than anything. i would not mind living in a time where it seems like you could virtually do whatever the fuck you want. drugs were something new to everyone, inspiring and influential music was seeping out of every possible corner of the world, new ideas on relationships and religion were coming into play. life seemed limitless. there were only the simpliest boundaries for anyone. i know i have a skewed perception of the time because i have seen the point of view through the eyes of musicians of the time but there are a few concepts and ideas i want to check out.Meditation is a must do. i desperately need to find my center and give myself the peace to sit quietly and look inside myself and my thoughts. creating a mantra to repeat over and over to find that center is important. it will be difficult to make myself turn off the music that constantly plays in the background of my life, but i think it is important to spend time quietly alone. meditation, as i have read, seems to be a different form of a fresh breath of air, which is something worth breathing in.

your tongue is sharp, but i miss the taste of it

today while reading i'm with the band i found the perfect set of mid-year's resolutions for me and since i did not make any new year's resolutions i figured i would start here instead. of course my first resolution is to not ignore my blog for 2 weeks in a row. i do apologize because i had my last week in rome and then a week traveling from vienna to amsterdam to paris. it was a hectic but amazing trip around europe and now that i am back at home and back to the mundane i am ready to roll with my blog. so here is the list of resolutions as taken from i'm with the band.

Resolutions for 1964

1. don't hang on boys.
2. be serious when it's called for
3. try harder on my complexion
4. get better grades
5. concentrate on my figure looking better
6. don't rat my hair so much
7. try to be more feminine
8. be cute every day
9. don't use vulgar language
10. let nails stay long and polished
11. pluck eyebrows every four days
12. shave legs and underarms every week
13. deodorant every day
14. brush teeth twice a day
15. don't waste money on trash
16. don't ruin boys


i realize that some of these resolutions are easy to do and kind of aged, but others (which i am sure you can guess) are better applied to my life. this is just one of three books that i am currently reading. i have to finish harry potter and the half-blood prince before the movie comes out. and i am also reading pattie boyd's Wonderful Tonight. home and without a summer job i am hoping to read about 3 books a week. reaching this goal for the week might be difficult because tomorrow i leave to head back to school for a weekend-long festival. until then i will consider some additions to add onto my mid-year resolutions.